What I won't give
by Tenoko
Summary: Takes place during Season Six: Dean confronts Castiel about the wall that seems to have grown between them, how it got there, and how they can tear it back down. One-shot.


"Y'know, I don't get it," admitted Dean gruffly, raking a hand over his head as he paced the motel room. "I just don't get it."

Turning, he faced the angel standing silently on the other side of the room. He looked as ever much like Castiel as he ever had, nothing changed, not even the degree of how crooked his tie always seemed to be. Dean thought it had to do with magic, some sort of freeze frame. Jimmy's body, even the clothes he wore, remained exactly the same so long as Castiel wore him. He always carried the same scent of soap and laundry detergent, the faint touch of a day's cologne. But he was Castiel, not Jimmy; Dean knew the difference, could tell them apart though they wore the same face.

"What don't you get, Dean?" Those blue eyes stared directly back at him. Lately, Castiel had begun showing more irritation than Dean ever knew him to reveal before. He blamed the civil war in Heaven. Too much on a person- or angel's- plate could be distracting, frustrating, especially when they war was between your own family. He got that.

He shook his head. "I don't get you, man." He quickly moved to cross the room. "You know, lately? I get you have a lot on your mind, and I know I probably don't say it enough, but I appreciate all you've done for us in the past, especially with Sam, but did I do something to offend you or something?"

The muscles in the angel's jaw twitched even as he blinked and shifted his gaze, impatient. His eyes flicked back to Dean's. "I don't know what you mean."

"You, man! You!" Throwing his hands up at a loss, he said, "Cass, ever since Lucifer and Michael were locked in the cage- well, okay, a year later when I finally saw you again? After Sam and I both called out for your help- hell, Sammy had begged you to come help for almost a year-"

Castiel took two steps forward. "I didn't _have _the answers to give to him, Dean."

He nodded. "I get that, I do, and I get you don't get human communication exactly, that he would have appreciated you at least popping down and sending a note that said the exact same thing you just said. I get that you had your hands full, man, am I'm _sorry _the fighting in your family has only escalated, I am." He shook his head, making a slashing motion at his neck. "I'm not even talking about that."

"Then what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about us, man! You and me, Cass!" He looked at the angel at a complete loss, wanting understanding. "What happened, Cass? Hm? There's this wall between us now, and I don't know how it got there or how to tear it back down, but you're different. You're all hot and cold now."

Sighing, the angel shoved his hands into his pockets, gaze sweeping up to the ceiling. "I don't know what you are talking about, and I really do need to get back. I have-"

"Things you need to take care of, no, I get that, I do." He crossed the room, angrily grabbing Castiel by the front of his coat. Not violently, or even roughly, just grabbed him, grabbed his attention, made the angel look him in the eye. And held on. "And y'know? I'm willing to help you with that, really. I know we pull on you for help, or I do, but it's because I know I can count on you, I _trust _you- and you should know me well enough to know I don't do that often, especially when all your brothers have or have wanted to bone both me and mine."

Castiel stared back with complete indifference. "What's your point?" he asked flatly.

"My point? My point is, I hear from other angels, demons, hell, even from your own _mouth _that you and I- we got this bond? Granted, I know I haven't done exactly right by you all the time, and I know it's because I have always been so worried about keeping Sam in line and safe, which has kind of been my whole life's purpose, but you and others talk about us and then we're together and the two pieces ain't matchin' up, man."

He released the front of the other man's coat, backing up a few steps, letting his eyes take in every detail of his friend's face, interpreting ever muscle twitch. "But, I thought we had a bond, too. I thought there was something there that was kind of a complete first for me, seeing as how you and I aren't family. I let you down, I did. When I was going to give in to Michael? I know that hurt you man, and I am _sorry_. Really, I am. I can give you my reasonings, tell you that I didn't know what else to do, that I was trying to save lives, that I was broken and couldn't take anymore. None of that would make it hurt any less, what I'm sure you see as an act of betrayal, or a-a _belittlement _of the sacrifices you made, but I am human, man. I make mistakes, humans have limits, but we also are willing to do what it takes to correct the mistakes we make, the hurt we inflict on those we care about."

Adam's apple bobbing, Castiel met his gaze head on, the same seriousness to his expression never faltering. "What are you saying?"

"That I wanna fix what's broken between us, Cass. Repair my past mistakes. Make you see that I am here for you, man. So- so whatever I gotta do-"

"Why?" demanded Castiel gruffly, head angled. "So I'll jump even faster to come to your aid when you call? Hm? Help you clean up your messes? I am not your dog to be called."

The taller male nodded, hands up in a peaceful gesture. "No, I get that, I do. Like I said, I am sorry you feel we took advantage of you, took for grated you being there for us-"

"You, Dean," Castiel corrected. The other man blinked in confusion. "I was there for _you_. Your brother by association. I died _twice _for you. It's only because God kept bringing me back that I am standing here now, and how many times have you even come close to doing the same for me, hm? Betrayed your brother- whom you love dearly- for me? I call when you come, I have always been there to help when you needed me, I have been _tortured _for ever having placed faith in you, and yet you just expect it." He snorted, turning away.

"Cass, I know. I already said I was sorry, that I want to make this right with you-"

"Why?" demanded the angel loudly as he whirled back around.

Caught off guard, Dean shook his head weakly. "It's just… this." He motioned to the space between them. "This isn't right. This isn't how it should be." The other man rolled his eyes, turning away again, but the hunter's hand struck out, grabbing him by the jacket once more and forcing them to face each other. "Cass, you are my friend. Probably the only real friend I've ever had. It's not like with Sam and Bobby, y'know? They're family and apart of me in a different sense than you are. But you are just as much apart of me as they are, permanently, like the marks you have written all over my ribs or _your _handprint on my arm." He swallowed thickly, trying to force down the knot in his throat. He struggled to voice exactly what he was feeling, not even sure it could be put properly into words without making the angel feel more used. "I _need _you. No, look at me! Not to help clean up the messes we get in, not to help me with Sam, not to give us the answers we never seem to have. I need you… just for me, on a personal level, and I don't even know what to call it, because I've never had anything like this before."

He released him, noting the way the stiffness and anger had melted and softened the lines in the other man's face, a slight confusion taking it's place. "You aren't family, and you aren't a hunter, and while there are a lot of people that I've come to care about, _good _people like Ellen and Jo and Ash and Pamela…" At a loss he shook his head again. "It's not the same with you. You… you mean so much-" The words got caught and he had to look away, feeling the prick behind his eyes he thought he'd learn to control. The feeling of fighting back tears, something he usually only fought with when it came to Sammy. "You keep me grounded. Keep me sane. When I am going through the motions because I've lost all faith in-in _myself_, in _God_, in _everything _going on around me- you're faith in me keeps me going. And I know, okay? I know I don't say it, but in case you haven't noticed: the Winchesters aren't exactly great at voicing things, and you aren't exactly the king of it either. But I am _sorry _for the hurt I have inflicted on you and I will do… _whatever _to make it up to you, to make things right between us again."

Lowering that impossibly blue gaze, Castiel shook his head, a bitter laugh escaping him. "So it's still all about what I can do for you, is that it?"

Angry, Dean shoved roughly against Castiel, only acting to bounce himself backward while the angel was unfazed. "No, man! I am saying that I love you- and you can interpret that any way you want, everybody else is already talking about the damn elephant in the room, we might as well," he raged loudly. The angel was stunned silent, eyes wide. "And no, I haven't done right by you, but I will from now on. That I can't lose you anymore than I could lose Sammy. That I would crawl the earth if I had to for you, sacrifice myself, make another damn _deal _if I thought you needed me to. _That _is what I am saying."

Wearily, he sat down on the edge of the bed, the motel mattress creaking slightly under his weight. "I'm not wanting things right so you can be there for me." He raised his gaze to meet the man's across the room. "I want them right so I can be there for you."

Heavy silence fell over them and he let his gaze drop to glare at the threadbare rug beneath his boots, wondering if his efforts to remedy things came too late. Dean would be the first to admit he had tunnel vision, it was how he'd been raised, keep his eyes focused on Sam, protect Sam, look after Sam, so yeah. Sometimes, or all the time, it took him longer to see other things he probably should have noticed sooner. It wasn't Sam's fault and he didn't begrudge him that. Dean had learned years earlier that doing for people, helping take care of them, perhaps not in a nurturing sense, but in a protective sense, was something that was just apart of him. He wanted to be able to be there for Cass, if the angel would let him, if it wasn't too late.

Shoes came into his line of vision as Castiel came to stand directly in front of him. "Dean."

"What?" He refused to look up, too embarrassed at having had such a soul bearing like he was in a friggin chick flick. You did not go around telling other guys you loved them, even if they were family, even if you were willing to die for them. Men just didn't, but he didn't know how other to get through to the angel than blunt, mortifying honesty.

"Dean, look at me." The order was soft, and Dean begrudgingly obliged, lifting his head and gaze to meet that of Castiel's. The angel's blue eyes flicked all over the hunter's face, a hand reaching out then falling back down by his side. "I…" He swallowed thickly, allowing his gaze to rake all over the room as he struggled to speak, before coming back to the hunter. "Everything I've done, was for you. Everything I'm doing, is for you. Choices I am making- regrettable choices- are strictly chosen with your best interest at heart-" He faltered, breaking eye contact again. "I am doing things to protect you, things you wouldn't approve of, making the difficult choices because they must be made-"

Dean stood up sharply, almost face to face with the other man now. "Then let me help you, Cass. You don't have to do it on your own, hell, say the word and me and Sam have your back. Ask Bobby, man, sometimes you just gotta kick us in the ass to help us refocus our attention on the people that need us."

Those blue eyes snapped back to him. "I love you, Dean." The other man blinked with a start, but the angel's gaze remained steady and unflinching. "I believe humans call it 'being in love'. This road I walk is one I chose and will see to the end, but it is far more tolerable knowing that what I feel is not felt in vain, as foreign and peculiar as it is to me. You inspired me to rebel, I suppose falling in love with you shouldn't have come as a shock." He raised his hands to force the hunter to look at him, hands on either side of his face. "I simply hope that by the end of it, you will not have come to hate me, and that one day I will be able to explain."

Dean shook his head in confusion. "Explain? Explain what? Explain it to me now."

Sighing, Castiel let his hands fall away and gaze drifting. "I'm afraid there would be no point. You would only try to stop me, and I regret that I have no choice but to make you forget this event ever took place, that we ever came to… an understanding."

The kiss came out of nowhere, really. Just a sort of desperation, clamping his mouth over Castiel's in a hard kiss, his hands cupping the other man's jaw. It lasted only a moment before Dean touched their forehead's together, voice raw.

"Don't do this, Cass. Whatever you're planning. Stop saying good-bye."

Eyes still closed, Castiel trembled faintly, struggling to stand firm in his decision when everything in him wanted to give him.

"I am saying good-bye, Dean." He opened his eyes to meet the other man's and Dean was shaking his head, eyes shining with unshed tears. "You won't remember what we've said, but I won't ever forget, and one day- if I have the chance, I will remind you and beg of your forgiveness as you have begged for mine today."

Again their mouths met, this time Castiel gripping the front of the hunter's jacket before their mouths broke apart once again. The smaller man gave a sad smile, raising a hand to cup the side of Dean's face, looking as pained as the hunter.

"I am sorry for this," he whispered, even while Dean begged in a raw whisper that he reconsider.

It wasn't painful to reorder Dean's memories, the hunter simply went slack at the knees without ever realizing anything had happened. Castiel caught him easily, gently positioning him back on the bed to let him rest. When Dean came to, Cass would already be long gone, so would the memory be from Dean's mind. Maybe one day, they could try again, if Dean ever forgave him for what he would surely see as an act of betrayal.

Castiel backed away slowly, keeping his eyes locked on the slumbering hunter. Maybe Dean would see the angel's action as a betrayal until he realized the full reason for them, but even if his actions inflicted hurt, he hoped that eventually Dean would realize that this- like everything else he'd done- Castiel did with only Dean in mind.


End file.
